There is only one Firestarter—and it came out in 1984 and stars Drew Barrymore. The 2022 remake is a stinker right from the beginning, with bad special effects and a terrible core concept that differs so significantly from both the book and the original movie that I have no idea what the filmmakers were trying to recreate. There’s also an attempt, I guess, to make this seem like an anti-superhero movie of sorts?
When Universal says it is “based on Stephen King’s masterpiece” but delivers this kind of content, audiences have every right to feel pretty betrayed.
Who greenlit this film? I need to know the answer immediately. Streaming services are canceling quality programming with claims that they are short on money, yet still financing films, with obvious costs attached, that are as devoid of anything redeeming, like The Bubble. I can’t even entirely blame the theater-studded cast, as it feels as though they tried their best with a Judd Apatow script that could have been generated by a chatbot.
There are elements of dialogue so bad here that no living human being would ever speak that way to another person, and yet we are expected to accept this over-the-top take on filmmaking during COVID-19?
I don’t know. Just … a pass for me.
365 Days (both f’ing films)
365 Days actually takes up TWO places on my list, because Netflix didn’t greenlight one film, they greenlit TWO of these damn disaster films to complete the Polish trilogy that began in 2020. 2022 brought us 365 Days: This Day, and The Next 365 Days just four months later.
The original concept: Man basically abducts woman, and gaslights her for 365 days to brainwash her into the Mafia, and into falling in love with him. Massimo and Laura’s relationship should be a damn horror film but nope, Netflix tries to sell the entire trio as some sort of romantic films.
Expect lots of spousal abuse, that’s for sure, but even BDSM advocates in general oppose the concept of mental manipulation for abuse, and there isn’t a safety word in place here at any point.
Just absolutely despicable.
What if I told you that you could get major talent into a film with a unique science fiction concept and have it be unwatchable? While Miles Teller and Chris Hemsworth are crushing it on the big screen, they also deliver this snoozefest to Netflix. Welcome to Spiderhead, a film where the basic concept is that a futuristic prison is … look, it doesn’t matter, because you will stop caring about it within 30 minutes.
This film goes off the rails and never gives anyone a single reason to look back. Just hot garbage. Acknowledged.
This film is on my list mostly because of how it fell so far beneath my expectations. The Uncharted series is a group of four video games with rich storytelling, fun side voyages, and a sense of character growth. The film doesn’t have any of that, and the actors are terribly miscast. The decision to cast Mark Wahlberg as Sully made the character nearly 20 years too young for the part—and that wasn’t the only change that altered the outcome.
I don’t know if I can adequately express the fact that this Sony treasure-hunt caper could have been something solid and instead it never felt any energy to make it interesting.
Good lord, is this film bad. This is a film so bad that its initial run could be compared to the Garbage Pail Kids movie. After memes mocking the Jared Leto vehicle flooded Twitter, Sony re-released it before quickly pulling it from theaters for good. Determined viewers can still find it on streaming services, should they desire to punish their enemies.
I mentioned the miscasting of Wahlberg above, but no one was more poorly cast this year than Matt Smith, who is very good in Game of Thrones and Doctor Who, but offers no real standing here as The Big Bad in a movie where the final boss battle is likely to put you to sleep.
Jurassic World Dominion
Giant locusts. That’s my entire review: Gigantic locusts. Anyone lured into seeing this film knows the deal: Dinosaurs were suddenly back, roaming the world before the movie turned into a bad heist movie focused around bugs and corporate espionage—and very little about dinosaurs, outside of a few very confusing subplots that never really paid off. Gambling rings and cartels trading in dinosaurs? I guess, but let’s not talk about this movie ever again.
This is a film that pulled in a lot of cash at the box office; I imagine people leaving the theater could only justify it to themselves by saying “Well, at least the effects were good.”
Where The Crawdads Sing
This paint-by-numbers film combines a plot that will bore you into submission with acting that will remind you of high school plays. Welcome to Where The Crawdads Sing!
Several people recommended the best-selling book to me, enough so that it sits in my Audible account ,waiting for a listen—but this Reese Witherspoon-produced flick is such a borefest that, unless I need something guaranteed to put me to sleep, this film is a complete waste of blue light.
The “worldwide phenomena” is streaming now, but there are so many better things you could do with your downtime.
Did you like Gigli? Do you enjoy projects that seem like something that only got greenlit because Ben Affleck chose poorly? Maybe a streaming service needs something different and a major actor—and the Fatal Attraction director—offer them an open marriage plot that could stand out from the pack?
Welcome to one of the worst-acted films of the year, Deep Water. Available to stream on Hulu, this film is a true sh*tshow that will leave you screaming out loud: “Who thought this was a good idea?”
Seriously though, WHO? I need to know the answer.
Phew. Those were my 10 worst films of the year. What movies made YOUR naughty list?